The African Queen KEN CARPENTER: Lux presents Hollywood! MUSIC: Lux Theme KEN CARPENTER: Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Toilet Soap bring you the Lux Radio Theater starring Humphrey Bogart and Greer Garson in "The African Queen." Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Irving Cummings! APPLAUSE - MUSIC OUT IRVING CUMMINGS: Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. When the Academy Award for Best Performance by an Actor was presented last March, a star who had built his reputation with great performances of gangster parts was among those nominated. And Humphrey Bogart won that award with great acclaim in the unusual role of the intemperate skipper of the African Queen. And, as his co-star of this John Huston production, we have beautiful Greer Garson, another Academy Award winner. Tonight, Miss Garson will vary her popular role of the charming wife to play a strait-laced spinster. Naturally, Hollywood stars like to change the roles they play but, when it comes to complexion care, there's just one favorite, Lux Toilet Soap. Our most glamorous stars know they can count on daily Lux facials for the finest in complexion care -- care that really leaves skin smoother and fresher. So, try Hollywood's own beauty care, Lux Toilet Soap. Now, "The African Queen," starring Greer Garson as Rose and Humphrey Bogart as Charlie Allnut. MUSICAL BRIDGE IRVING CUMMINGS: The year is 1914. German East Africa ... where Rose Sayre and her brother Samuel spread [the] gospel of God. For more than a year, the missionaries have seen only one white man, Mr. Allnut, pilot of the African Queen, a filthy, dilapidated launch that gasps her way up and down the river. ROSE: Uh, do have some more tea, Mr. Allnut. ALLNUT: Uh, thanks, Miss. I-I don't mind if I do. MUSIC OUT ALLNUT (laughs): Ah, just listen to this stomach o' mine. I mean, the way it keeps growling and squealing -- the way it sounds, you'd think I had a hyena inside o' me. REVEREND: Uh, you, er, you do take sugar? ALLNUT (laughs): Queer thing, ain't it? Now, what do you suppose makes a man's stomach carry on like this? ROSE: You, uh, you're planning to stay overnight, Mr. Allnut? ALLNUT: Oh, no, Miss, I - I gotta get up river and back to the mine. Oh, I almost forgot to tell ya, I prob'ly won't be comin' around this way for a couple o' months. REVEREND: But, uh, w-w-what about our mail? ALLNUT: Oh, don't look like there's gonna be any mail for a while on account o' the war. ROSE: War? What war? Where? ALLNUT: Europe, Miss. Germany and England. REVEREND: England? You really mean war? ALLNUT (chuckles): Yeah, that's what they tell me, Reverend. REVEREND: But what do you know about it? What's happened? ALLNUT: Oh, now, let's see, uh... Oh, yes, French are in it, too, and all them, uh, all them little countries, Austria, Hungary, Belgium -- I forget who's with who, though. ROSE: Oh, Brother... REVEREND: Yes, Rose. I know. ROSE: This is German East Africa. We're-we're enemy aliens. ALLNUT (laughs): Now, what harm could anybody do the Germans in this God- forsaken place? ROSE: God has not forsaken this place, Mr. Allnut -- as my brother's presence here will bear witness. ALLNUT: Oh, no offense, Miss. Well, I'll be gettin' aboard the Queen and shovin' off. (fading) Thanks for the tea, Miss. ROSE: Good-bye, Mr. Allnut. REVEREND: Good-bye and ... thank you. ROSE: Oh, that - that wretched little man with his foul cigar! REVEREND: And his indifference about the war! He's Canadian. Doesn't he realize he's in this, too? ROSE: Shouldn't we try to get to Limbasi, I mean, while we can? MUSIC IN QUIETLY REVEREND: The shepherd does not forsake his flock when the wolves are prowling. We shall stay here, Rose. ROSE: Yes, Brother. Yes, of course. REVEREND: Come, dear, come. We shall pray. MUSIC UP AND OUT JUNGLE ANIMAL NOISES ALLNUT: Miss?! It's me, Miss! I come back a lot sooner than I said! (pause) Oh. So the Germans have been here, too, eh? ROSE: Yes. They've - they've been here, Mr. Allnut. ALLNUT: When I got to the mines at Limbasi, everything was a shamble. Deserted. Burnt to the ground, just like the village here. Uh, Reverend around, Miss? ROSE: My brother ... is ... dead. ALLNUT: Ohh. Oh, well, now, now, ain't that awful? If them Germans'd shoot a Reverend, there ain't nobody safe. ROSE: They were here three days ago. They didn't shoot him. They - they struck him and his heart was - was bad and-- (sobs) ALLNUT: Aw, well, that's - now that's certainly too bad, Miss. That's all I can say. I tell ya what, Miss. You get your things together, we'll get aboard the Queen and clear out. Them Germans are sure to come back. ROSE: But why? Why should they come back? ALLNUT: Why, they'll be looking for the boat, Miss, for the African Queen. She's not much but they'd give a lot to get their hands on her, you bet. And what's aboard her, too. Blastin' gelatin, tin grub, cylinders of oxygen and hydrogen, heaps o' things I was bringin' to the mine. ROSE: But where could we go? ALLNUT: Why, out there on the river, Miss. Get behind an island where it's quiet and safe. We can talk about what to do then. ROSE: I'll get ready. ALLNUT: That's the ticket, Miss, you bet. You come with me. MUSICAL BRIDGE BOAT ENGINE COMES TO A STOP - ANCHOR DROPPED INTO WATER ALLNUT: Well, Miss, so far, so good. Here we are, safe and sound, as ya might say. A nice shady spot in a nice lonesome spot. The question is: what next? ROSE: Quite, Mr. Allnut. ALLNUT: We got heaps o' grub aboard, two thousand cigarettes, and two cases o' gin. ROSE: Gin?! ALLNUT: Why, we could sit out the war here if we wanted to. All the comforts of home, Miss, includin' runnin' water. Ha ha ha! ROSE: Mr. Allnut! We simply cannot remain off a backwater island until the war is over. ALLNUT: Oh, can't we now, Miss? Well, you've got the map there. Show me a way out and I'll take it. ROSE: The British will certainly launch an attack. Now, uh, the only question is, which way will they come? ALLNUT: Uh, well, from the sea, maybe. Up the railway to Limbasi. That'll put all them Germans between them and us. ROSE: Might not our troops come up from the Congo? ALLNUT: Miss... Miss, look, you see this lake on the map? ROSE: Yes. ALLNUT: That's a hundred miles o' lake. And there ain't nothin' gonna cross it while the Louisa is there. ROSE: The Louisa? ALLNUT: She's a hundred ton steamer, Miss, and German. She's boss of the lake 'cause she's got six pounders, the biggest guns in Central Africa. ROSE: Ohh. ALLNUT: Ah, we're in a bit of a fix, Miss, whichever way you look at it. ROSE: This river runs into that lake, does it not? ALLNUT: Yes, Miss. Yes, it does. But if you got any ideas of gettin' there in this launch, you'd better get rid of 'em. ROSE: Why? ALLNUT: Well, you look at the map, Miss. This here is Shona. The Germans have a fort at Shona. They'd blow us right out of the water and, before that, there's the rapids. Twenty miles of water that's like it was comin' out of a fire hose. ROSE: But it has been done. ALLNUT: Yes, Miss, in a canoe, a fellow named Spengler, he almost-- ROSE: Mr. Allnut! Uh, what did you say was in those wooden boxes? ALLNUT: Them? Them's blastin' gelatin, Miss. ROSE: Is it dangerous? ALLNUT: Ha ha ha! Bless you, no. That's safety stuff. Takes a detonator to set it off. ROSE: And what are those long, torpedo-like things? ALLNUT: More stuff for the mine. Them's, uh, oxygen and hydrogen cylinders, Miss. ROSE: Mr. Allnut, uh, you're a machinist, aren't you? ALLNUT: Um, kind of a fixer, Miss. Jack of all trades, like they say. ROSE: Could you make a torpedo? ALLNUT (beat): How's that, Miss? ROSE: Could you make a torpedo? ALLNUT: A torpedo? Ask me to make a dreadnought and do it up right, Miss -- a torpedo! Ha ha! You - you really don't know what you're asking. Why, there just ain't nothin' so complicated as the inside of a torpedo. It's got gyroscopes and compressed air chambers and-- ROSE: Oh, but they're only to make it go, aren't they? Well, we've got the African Queen... ALLNUT: How's that, Miss? ROSE: ...and if we were to, uh, to fill those cylinders with that blasting gelatin and then, uh, then fix them so that they'd stick out over the end of this boat and then, uh, then if we were to run this boat against the side of the ship, well, uh, well, it'd go off, just like a torpedo would, wouldn't they? ALLNUT: Yeah. Yeah, that's right, Miss. ROSE: Well, then we could, uh, we could point the launch towards the ship and just before she hit, we could dive off, couldn't we? ALLNUT: Sure. Sure, Miss. Absolutely. Only there ain't nothin' to torpedo. ROSE: Oh, but there is. ALLNUT: Is what? ROSE: The Louisa. ALLNUT: The Louisa?! Oh, now, don't talk silly, Miss. You can't do that. Honest, you can't. I told you before, we can't get down the river. ROSE: Spengler did. ALLNUT: In a canoe. ROSE: If a German did it, we can do it. ALLNUT: Not in a launch we can't. ROSE: Well, how do you know? You've never tried. ALLNUT: Well, I never tried shootin' myself in the head neither. ROSE: In other words... in other words, Mr. Allnut, you're refusing to help your country in her hour of need. ALLNUT: Uhh... I wouldn't put it that way. ROSE: Just how would you put it? ALLNUT: Huh... All right, Miss. Have it your own way. But don't blame me for what happens. ROSE: Very well, then. Let's get started. ALLNUT: Well, you mean, now? ROSE: Now. ALLNUT: But there ain't two hours o' daylight left, Miss. ROSE: We can go a long way in two hours, Mr. Allnut. ALLNUT: But the boiler! The fire's gone out, practically. We can't move till we get the old kettle boiling again. ROSE: Well, you're well-stocked with firewood. Do so. LOADS FIRE WOOD ALLNUT (to himself): Oh ... refusin' to help your country in her hour of need. (mimics Rose) Could you make a torpedo, Mr. Allnut? Well, do so, Mr. Allnut. ROSE: Did you say something, Mr. Allnut? ALLNUT: Me, Miss? I-I didn't say nothin', Miss. MUSICAL BRIDGE BOAT ENGINE ROSE: Anything wrong, Mr. Allnut? ALLNUT: Eh, it's just this old boiler, Miss. She's leakin' steam. See? ROSE: Oh. ALLNUT KICKS THE BOILER ROSE: Uh, why are you kicking the boiler, Mr. Allnut? ALLNUT: Heat pump's full of rust and scum. She gets clogged up. ROSE: And that's all you have to do? Just kick it? ALLNUT: Ha ha ha! It's knowin' how to kick her, Miss. She gets peevish now and then -- ever since I dropped a screwdriver down the safety valve. ROSE: Uh, what would happen if you didn't kick it? ALLNUT: The whole boiler'd blow up. ROSE: Then why don't you dismantle the safety valve and remove the screwdriver? ALLNUT (chuckles): You know, I'm gonna do that one of these days. The only reason I haven't up to now is that I kinda like kickin' her. She's all I've got. ROSE: Well, uh, she - she seems to be operating quite normally now. ALLNUT (chuckles): Yeah, like I - like I said, Miss, all she needs is a good boot. Well, you ready to call it a day? There's kind of a - kind of like a lagoon up ahead. It's a real nice place when the bugs ain't too bad. ROSE: I shan't complain, Mr. Allnut. We have much to be thankful for. ALLNUT: That's a fact, Miss. It's like they say: it ain't never so bad that it can't be worse. MUSICAL BRIDGE JUNGLE ANIMAL NOISES ROSE: Mr. Allnut, do you suppose anyone has seen us? ALLNUT: Oh, there ain't nobody in these parts, Miss, forgettin' the beasts of the forest. Kinda - kinda hot, ain't it? I could do with a drink. OPENS CASE ALLNUT: I got an extra cup here, Miss, if you're gonna have one. ROSE: Oh, no. No, thank you. Uh, what is it? ALLNUT: Gin, Miss. Gin. SHE GASPS. HE UNCORKS AND POURS. ALLNUT: Er, something wrong? ROSE: No. ALLNUT (chuckles): If you're worried about there not bein' enough, why, there's, uh, two full cases aboard. ROSE: Oh, no, no, please. ALLNUT: Well, maybe you'd like a nice cup o' tea? ROSE: Well, thank you. ALLNUT: Ha! You get real service on the African Queen. Hey, see this? Hot water all the time. ROSE: O-out of the boiler?! ALLNUT (laughs): It'll taste a little rusty but then we can't have everything, can we? There y'are, Miss. Just add the tea to suit your taste, like they say on the box. ROSE: Thank you. ALLNUT: Don't mention it. Well, now, you just sit and relax and, after a bit, I'll start thinkin' about supper. How long you been out here, Miss? ROSE: In Africa? Oh, almost ten years. ALLNUT: You ever get homesick? ROSE: Well, I - I'm afraid I have been homesick -- many times. It's Sunday afternoons that I think of most. The peace and the quiet of home. ALLNUT (chuckles): On Sunday afternoons, I was always sleepin' one off. ROSE: Sleeping one --? (suddenly gets it) Oh. ALLNUT (chuckles) ROSE: What brought you to Africa, Mr. Allnut? ALLNUT: Ah, the Zambesi Bridge, Miss. A whole boatload of us Canucks came over to work on it. Don't know yet what they wanted a bridge for but, then, uh, why did the chicken cross the road? ROSE: I beg your pardon? ALLNUT: Uh, nothing, Miss. (chuckles) Yeah, sometimes I wish I was back but then I remember how I'd have to be takin' orders from somebody while out here, I--well, I'm my own boss. MUSIC IN ALLNUT: Well, drink your tea, Miss. I'll - I'll go fix ya some grub. MUSIC UP AND OUT ALLNUT: Now, what do you think you're doin', Miss? ROSE: Well, if I may draw some hot water from the boiler, I'll wash these dishes. ALLNUT: Ah, mostly I, er, I just hold them over the side and let the current do the washing. ROSE: If you'll forgive me, that's about what I imagined. ALLNUT: Cleanliness is next to godliness, eh, Miss? ROSE: Is that so amusing, Mr. Allnut? ALLNUT (chuckles): Uh, no, Miss. Uh, you don't see no crocodiles around, do you? ROSE: Crocodiles? No. ALLNUT: Ah, it's too shallow for 'em. Well, I, er, I could do with a bath 'fore I turn in. ROSE: I - I'd like a bath myself. ALLNUT: Well, now, you do the dishes back here and I'll go off the bow. So long as we don't look, it don't matter. Well, how 'bout it, Miss? ROSE: Well, very well, Mr. Allnut. ALLNUT: That's the ticket. I won't be a minute (fading) just a slosh or two. SILENCE TO DENOTE THE PASSING OF TIME SLOSHING WATER THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING: ROSE: Mr. Allnut! Mr. Allnut! ALLNUT: Right here, Miss! How's the water? ROSE: Oh, no, no, no! Stay just where you are! I - oh, dear! - I-I can't get back into the boat! ALLNUT: Well, I'll give ya hand, then. ROSE: Oh, I've been trying to climb up but I can't. I'm afraid I - I do need help. Is that blanket still there? ALLNUT: Yes, Miss! ROSE: Well, if-if you will please hold it up in front of you and close your eyes... ALLNUT: Well, I just got two hands, Miss, and if I hold up the blanket ... ! ROSE: Ohh. Then - then just close your eyes. ALLNUT (quietly) I got 'em closed, Miss. Now, here. You grab my arms. ROSE: Oh, thank you. Oh, but - but don't you dare move until I say so. ALLNUT: Oh, oh, no, Miss. ROSE: I - I bathed in my undergarments. You'll have to wait until I-- ALLNUT: Now, it's all right, Miss, it's all right. You just say when. MUSICAL BRIDGE ALLNUT: Well! You feel better, Miss? ROSE: Oh, yes. Yes, I - I do. ALLNUT: Well, now, you'd better sleep here under the awning, Miss, in case it rains. And here's a couple of rugs. There ain't no fleas on 'em. ROSE: Where will, uh, where will you sleep, Mr. Allnut? ALLNUT: Me? Oh, forward, Miss. And if it'll make ya feel better, you can hang up one of them tarpaulins like a kind of a curtain sort of. ROSE: Thank you. Good night. ALLNUT: I'll turn out the lantern if you're ready, Miss. MUSIC IN ROSE: I'm quite ready. Good night, Mr. Allnut. ALLNUT: Good night, Miss. MUSIC UP AND OUT THUNDER AND RAIN THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING: ROSE (gasps) Mr. Allnut! ALLNUT: Oh, I - I'm sorry I woke you, Miss. ROSE: What are you doing? ALLNUT: Oh, I - ain't doin' nothin', Miss. Just gettin' out of the wet. ROSE: Well, go away this instant. ALLNUT: Yes, Miss. LONG PAUSE ROSE: Mr. Allnut? ALLNUT (far off) Yes, Miss? ROSE: You may come in out of the rain, if you wish. ALLNUT (far off) Thank you, Miss. (comes closer) Miss? ROSE: Yes? ALLNUT: I'm sorry I gave you such a turn. ROSE: Oh, that's quite all right. I-I didn't realize that you were just-- how hard it was raining. ALLNUT: I won't get near ya, Miss. There's heaps o' room. MUSIC IN ROSE: Good night, Mr. Allnut. ALLNUT: Good night, Miss. MUSIC UP - APPLAUSE MUSIC OUT IRVING CUMMINGS: Before we return with Act Two of "The African Queen," here's Frances Scully, popular Hollywood commentator. FRANCES SCULLY: Wasn't it a pleasure, Ken, to meet the famous swimmer Annette Kellerman on your program last week? KEN CARPENTER: Oh, yes, indeed, Frances. She's a remarkable woman. No wonder Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer filmed her life story and called it "Million Dollar Mermaid." FRANCES SCULLY: Well, the film looks like a million dollars in gorgeous Technicolor with stars like Esther Williams, Walter Pidgeon, Victor Mature and David Brian. KEN CARPENTER: Esther Williams certainly does some sensational routines in those beautiful water ballets. FRANCES SCULLY (laughs): Oh, and she looks so glamorous, particularly in the famous one-piece bathing suit that shocked Boston in the 1920s. KEN CARPENTER (laughs): Yes. Well, I thought it was an exceptionally good love story, too, Frances, with both Victor Mature and David Brian in love with Esther Williams as she becomes the toast of two continents. FRANCES SCULLY: Yes, in Annette Kellerman, Esther Williams plays an exciting role, filled with glamor and romance in "Million Dollar Mermaid." KEN CARPENTER: Well, I can't imagine a mermaid more beautiful than Esther Williams. In Technicolor, her complexion looks like a million dollars. FRANCES SCULLY: And yet, Ken, Esther Williams' complexion care is one that every girl can use. It's Lux Toilet Soap. Like nine out of ten famous Hollywood stars, Esther's devoted to Lux soap care. KEN CARPENTER: And when all these famous beauties agree on one complexion soap, you know it must do something wonderful for skin, must really smooth and freshen your complexion. And that's just what daily Lux care does. Its skin tonic action helps your skin retain natural moisture. Even dry skin looks fresher, more appealing. FRANCES SCULLY: And Lux facials take only a minute. You just cream in the rich Lux lather, rinse warm, splash cold. And there -- your complexion sparkles. KEN CARPENTER: Yes, girls, Lux care is simple but so effective that Lever Brothers Company guarantees it will improve any normal skin. So try these daily Lux soap facials. See how quickly your skin looks lovelier, really Lux lovely. Now, here's our producer, Mr. Cummings. IRVING CUMMINGS: Act Two of "The African Queen," starring Humphrey Bogart as Mr. Allnut and Greer Garson as Rose. MUSIC IN IRVING CUMMINGS: It's the following morning and the African Queen wheezes her way down the river. Mr. Allnut is at the rusty engine, administering with tools and frequent kicks of his experienced foot. And now, suddenly, what he is dreading is upon them: the sluggish river has turned into whirlpools and rapids. MUSIC UP AND OUT RIVER AND ENGINE NOISES ALLNUT: Well, Miss, how'd you like it? ROSE: Like it? ALLNUT: White water! Rapids! ROSE: Oh, I never dreamed that it--! ALLNUT: Ha ha ha! I don't blame you for being scared, Miss. Ain't nobody in his right mind ain't scared of white water. ROSE: I was about to say that I never dreamed that any mere physical experience could be so stimulating! ALLNUT: Huh? How's that, Miss? ROSE: I've seldom known such excitement. A few times in my dear brother's sermons, when the spirit was really upon him, I felt-- ALLNUT: Well, you mean you want to go on?! ROSE: But of course I do! ALLNUT: Miss, you're crazy! ROSE: Oh, I must say, I'm filled with admiration for your skill, Mr. Allnut. Do you suppose that after I practice steering a bit more that someday I might try it? ALLNUT: Miss, lemme tell ya somethin' -- those rapids back there ain't nothin' to what's in front of us! ROSE: Oh, I can hardly wait! ALLNUT: But, Miss! ROSE: Oh, now that I've had a taste of it, I don't wonder that you love boating, Mr. Allnut. ALLNUT: Boating?! (beat) Excuse me, Miss, I need a drink. MUSICAL BRIDGE ENGINE NOISE ROSE: Mr. Allnut, if - if something's the matter, please, I must know. ALLNUT: It's nothing you'd understand. ROSE: You're - you're drinking gin again, Mr. Allnut. ALLNUT: Yes, Miss, I sure am. ROSE: It's been such a pleasant day up until now. What is it that's - that's driving you to drink, Mr. Allnut? ALLNUT (sighs) All right. I'll tell ya. It's all your foolish talk about us going on into the lake. All this crazy talk about the Louisa. Well, we ain't gonna go. ROSE: But of course we are! What an absurd idea. ALLNUT (mimics her) What an absurd idea. What an absurd idea. ROSE: Why don't you want to go on? ALLNUT: Because of the river and the rapids and then Shona. ROSE: Shona? Oh, yes, yes, where the Germans have a fort. ALLNUT: Yeah, you're darn right, Shona. Just one bullet in that blasting gelatin, Miss, and we'd be little bits and pieces. ROSE: Then we'll go by the fort at night. ALLNUT: Oh, no, we won't. ROSE: Then we'll go by day. We can go on the far side of the river, speeding along just as fast as ever we can. ALLNUT: We ain't gonna go speeding along any place. ROSE (gasps, then coolly): You agreed to go. ALLNUT: I never did. I never agreed to anything. ROSE: Mr. Allnut, you are a liar. And, what is worse than that, a - a coward. ALLNUT (mock pain) Oooh! Coward yourself! You ain't a lady! No, Miss, that's what my poor old mother would say to you. My poor old mother would say to you... Whose boat is this anyway? I asked you on because I was sorry for ya. That's what you get for feelin' sorry for people. Well, I ain't sorry for you anymore. (savagely) You're a crazy, psalm-singin', dried-up old maid! ROSE (evenly): Mr. Allnut. You are drunk. ALLNUT: Not half what I'm gonna be neither. (singing, badly) There was a bold fisherman, set sail for Port Pimlico, to catch the bold figgy and the gay mack-a-rool-- MUSICAL BRIDGE JUNGLE BIRDS A-TWITTERIN', RIVER A-SLOSHIN' ALLNUT (hung over): Ohhh. Oh, Miss. Oh, my head. Oh, have pity, Miss. ROSE: Mr. Allnut, you are still intoxicated. ALLNUT: Ohh. Oh, the gin! That's gin you're pouring into the river! ROSE: Indeed, it is. ALLNUT: Oh, ya - Oh, ya don't know what you're doin', Miss. I'll perish without a hair o' the dog. ROSE: Look at you -- reeling about helplessly. ALLNUT: Oh, my head. Oh, my head. I'm warning you, Miss. That gin ain't your property. ROSE: It's no one's property now. Twenty-one empty bottles floating on the waves. And I'm glad. ALLNUT: You're a criminal, that's what you are. Oh, I'll die. Then what'll you do? I'll suffer and die and ... I'll float on the waves. It's all your doing, ya hear? You did it all. Oh... (breaks down and sobs) MUSICAL BRIDGE QUIET - RIVER WATER ALLNUT coughs twice. ROSE: Oh, it's you. Good morning. ALLNUT (laughs) I, eh, I look different, huh? Yeah, I, uh, I shaved. Oooh, uh, I see you're reading your Bible. Ah, it's a good thing to have a lady aboard, Miss, sets a man a good example -- a man alone, well, he gets to livin' like a hog. And, too, with me, it's, uh, "always put things off." But with you, Miss, it's "business before pleasure" every time. Heh, I, uh, I tell ya, it's like an inspiration. And that old engine -- I ain't got that old engine so clean in years! Just look at her, Miss! (beat) Huh. You don't care. ROSE: Hmph! ALLNUT: If I only had some clean clothes like you. Now, you -- why, you could be at high tea! Say, that's an idea, Miss, how 'bout a nice little cup o' tea? (beat) Uh... how's the book? (beat) How 'bout reading it out loud? I could do with a little spiritual comfort myself. (beat, savagely) And you call yourself a Christian! Don'tcha?! Don'tcha, huh?! ROSE: You're behaving like an infant. ALLNUT: And how are you behaving? Ya - you're just plain mean! Man takes a drop too much once in a while, it's only human nature. ROSE: Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we're put into this world to rise above. ALLNUT: I'm sorry. I apologize for getting so drunk. What more can a man do? Besides you paid me back. Didn't even leave me a drop. Have a heart, Miss. Say something. I don't care what it is but you gotta say something. ROSE: So you think it was your nasty drunkenness I minded? ALLNUT: Well, what else? ROSE: You promised me that you'd go down the river. ALLNUT: Miss. Miss, listen to me. There's death a thousand times down there. I'm sorry to disappoint ya but don't blame me -- blame the river. ROSE: You promised. ALLNUT: Well, I'm takin' my promise back! (beat) All right, Miss, you win -- as the crocodiles will be glad to hear. Down the river we go. ROSE (genuinely): Thank you, Mr. Allnut. MUSICAL BRIDGE BOAT ENGINE ROSE: We're making splendid progress, Mr. Allnut. ALLNUT: Look over there. ROSE: Shona? ALLNUT: Not yet, Miss, but soon. Over there's a crocodile waitin' for his supper. ROSE: Which side of the river is Shona on? ALLNUT: Starboard, Miss. ROSE: Well, good. Then the sun will be in their eyes. Why, you're worried, aren't you? ALLNUT: Oh, not me, Miss. I gave myself up for dead back where we started. DISTANT CANNON FIRE ROSE: Oh, that noise -- what was that? ALLNUT: That fort's closer than I thought. They're just lettin' us know they've sighted us. Their next shot's gonna be closer. ANOTHER SHOT, CLOSER ROSE: Their aim's dreadful, isn't it? ALLNUT: Their aim will be good enough unless we turn back. ROSE: Mr. Allnut, I don't want to hear those words again. ALLNUT: Yes, Miss. ANOTHER SHOT ALLNUT: Now, put your head down. We'll get rifle fire, too, in a minute. ROSE: Can't we go any faster? ALLNUT: We're sure gonna try, Miss, and if it's all the same with you, start praying. BRIEF MUSICAL BRIDGE ALLNUT: We've made it! Look! We've made it! ROSE: Hip hip hooray, Mr. Allnut! ALLNUT: Oh, we sure put one over on them Germans that time, didn't we, Miss?! Oh, we showed 'em, Miss! Hip hip hooray! ROSE: Was my handling of the boat all right? ALLNUT: Oh, better than all right, Miss! They were that surprised at seein' the old African Queen, they didn't really start shootin' till we were past! (laughs like a maniac) ROSE: Oh, this wonderful old boat! ALLNUT (calming down): Well, we're - Well, we're full o' water, Miss, we're battered and we're busted. You see these bullet holes? One through the steam hose and two in the boiler? ROSE: The engine's stopped. ALLNUT: Long since, Miss. But we can drift into them shallows and I'll start pumpin'. ROSE: No, no, I'll pump while you go ashore for logs. MUSIC IN ALLNUT: Well, that - that would save us time. Thank you, Miss. Here, now. You watch close ... ROSE: Yes? ALLNUT: ... and I'll, I'll show ya the trick... MUSIC UP AND OUT PUMPING WATER ROSE: I've got almost all the water pumped out, Mr. Allnut. Come and look. ALLNUT: Uh, just let me set these logs down. LOGS SET DOWN ALLNUT: Oh, you've worn yourself out, Miss. ROSE (pants): Well, so have you. ALLNUT: Well, if it's all right with you, we'd - we'd better stay here till morning. (beat) Hey. Hey, where'd they come from? Them flowers. ROSE: Oh, I - I just couldn't resist them. I waded ashore and I - I picked them. Do you recognize them, Mr. Allnut? I - I've never seen them before. ALLNUT: I can't say that I have either, Miss. ROSE: What if no one ... ever has? What if they don't even have a name? ALLNUT (chuckles) Well, name or not, Miss, they sure are pretty. Here, put one in your hair. Catch. ROSE: Oh, dear. Oh, I-I dropped it. ALLNUT: No, no, no, I'll get it. ROSE: No, no, I can pick it up. I, um - MUSIC IN QUIETLY ROSE: Well, well, look at us. Hands and knees in three inches of water, looking for a flower. (laughs uneasily) I-I could laugh and - and - and cry and, I, uh - (beat) Why, you - you kissed me. ALLNUT: Yes, Miss. I sure did, Miss. ROSE (lovingly): You - you kissed me. MUSIC UP AND DOWN ALLNUT SNORING ROSE: Mr. Allnut? Mr. Allnut? Uh ... dear? ALLNUT (awakes, coughing) Huh? Oh ... oh. (naturally) Hello, Rosie. ROSE: You've been napping. Supper's ready. ALLNUT (pleased): Rosie! Fancy you buildin' a fire and all while I slept. ROSE (chuckles): Uh, dear ... (expecting the worst) ... what is your first name? ALLNUT (playfully) Charlie. ROSE (relieved): Charlie. (chuckles) ALLNUT: Give us a kiss, Rosie. ROSE (lovingly): Charlie. Charlie, dear. ALLNUT (sighs): The more I look at this place, the prettier it gets. I expect it's about the prettiest place I've ever been to. Oh, not that I ain't all for goin' down the river, y'understand. ROSE: Oh, yes, Charlie, I know. ALLNUT: Why, the sooner we blow up the ol' Louisa, the better. What I meant was, I'd like to come back here someday. ROSE: Then you think we can do it? ALLNUT: Do it? Why, there's nothin' a man can't do if he believes in himself. Never say die, that's my motto. ROSE: I've had misgivings, Charlie. I was beginning to think that perhaps the - the whole thing was a mistake. ALLNUT: How's that, Miss? Ah, I mean, (lovingly) Rosie. ROSE: Well, I - I had a moment of weakness. ALLNUT: Oh, well, if you're feeling weak, Rosie, why, a day or two here on shore won't make any difference. ROSE: Oh, no, no. We'll go on and thank Heaven for your strength, Charlie. Thank Heaven. MUSIC UP AND OUT BOAT ENGINE ALLNUT: Well, Rosie girl, looks like there ain't nothin' can stop the ol' Queen. ROSE: What about the propeller, Charlie? ALLNUT: Turnin' nice as you please, Rosie. Why, we're goin' down the river just like, er, Anthony and Cleopatra in their barge. Ha ha! This couldn't happen, Rosie, if it hadn't been for you. Don't you feel proud o' yourself? ROSE: Certainly not. It's you, Charlie. It's all you. I don't think there's another man alive who could have done what you've done. ALLNUT: Oh, I'll never forget the way you looked when we was goin' over them rapids. Head up, chin out, hair blowin' in the wind. The livin' picture of a hero-ine! (pronounced herowine) ROSE (chuckles): Fancy me a heroine! (chuckles) Oh, Charlie, you've lost your mind. ALLNUT: Lost mah heart, too, Sweetheart. ROSE (chuckles) ALLNUT: Oh, what a time we've had, Rosie. What a time. We'll never lack for stories to tell our grandchildren. ROSE: Charlie, how much further do you suppose it is to the lake? ALLNUT: Ah, there's no tellin', Rosie. All depends on how much windin' around this old river does. ROSE: The river's changed, hasn't it? And that smell. Why, it's-it's like marigolds, stale marigolds. ALLNUT (chuckles) Not a very good smell for a flower. ROSE: They're - they're very pretty, though, marigolds. ALLNUT (suddenly apprehensive) Rosie. Look. ROSE: Another bend? ALLNUT: If only that's all it was. Rosie, it's on all sides. Nothing ahead but grass and papyrus as far as you can see. ROSE: But the river doesn't stop up there. It can't! ALLNUT: Not according to the map it can't, only -- how do you get through that stuff? ROSE: Charlie, they're islands. Thousands of tiny islands. But where's the main channel among them? ALLNUT: Don't look like there is one, Rosie. Just a sea of grass and a forest o' reeds. Well, I - I better cut the engine. BOAT ENGINE SHUTS DOWN ROSE: Charlie ... ? ALLNUT: What are we gonna do, huh? I don't know, Rosie. Get into it and take a look around, I suppose. ROSE: Yes, dear, yes. ALLNUT: But once we're in, Rosie, and the grass and them reeds close up in back of us, there'll be no goin' back. If anything happens, we'll just sit there -- till we go off our heads with fever. MUSIC IN ROSE: I - I know, Charlie. ALLNUT: So, ya pays your money and you takes your choice. Which is it, Sweetheart? Straight ahead ... or turn around? ROSE: Straight ahead, Charlie. MUSIC UP - APPLAUSE - MUSIC OUT IRVING CUMMINGS: We'll continue with Act Three of "The African Queen" in a few moments. Now, it's with great pleasure I introduce our guest, the lovely Zsa Zsa Gabor, who will soon be seen in United Artists' great new Technicolor picture, "Moulin Rouge." ZSA ZSA GABOR: Hello, Irving. You know, I just returned from Paris -- that's vhere the picture vas filmed -- because it's about a famous French painter, Toulouse-Lautrec. IRVING CUMMINGS: Yes, and his genius and reckless way he defied convention make one of the screen's most dramatic stories. ZSA ZSA GABOR (mangling her line badly): You know, Jose [pronounced Jo-say] Ferrer plays the actor -- plays -- and now the new French star Colette Marchand plays the woman he loves and I am Jane Avril, the famous singer and dancer in Toulouse-Lautrec's posters. IRVING CUMMINGS: It's a spectacular picture, Zsa Zsa. In "Moulin Rouge," producer John Huston captures all the flavor of Paris' Left Bank and the colorful artist's life. KEN CARPENTER: Oh, Zsa Zsa, you're a knockout in that red-and-white costume of Lautrec's famous poster. You set it off so perfectly with that creamy complexion of yours. It's a Lux complexion, I know. ZSA ZSA GABOR: Of course, Ken. I'm devoted to the Lux Toilet Soap facials and I really appreciate Lux for my baths, too, especially after making this picture. My dance number required ninety-three rehearsals. Vas I tired. But my Lux bath completely refreshed me. KEN CARPENTER: Yes, a bath with creamy white Lux soap is the quickest beauty pick-up ever. It treats you to so many luxuries in one. First, there's the rich abundant lather Lux gives, even in hard water. Second, there's that delightful mildness of Lux, the way its gentle lather leaves your skin so soft. ZSA ZSA GABOR: The luxury I love is the Lux perfume [pronounced par-fyoom]. It clings [pronounced klinks] so long yet is so delicate [pronounced dee-lick-it], flower fresh. KEN CARPENTER (tries to keep a straight face): Thank you, Zsa Zsa. Girls, try the big bath size Lux Toilet Soap. Do it tomorrow. Be Lux lovely for the holidays ahead. We pause now for station identification. This is the CBS radio network. MUSICAL BRIDGE IRVING CUMMINGS: The curtain rises on Act Three of "The African Queen," starring Greer Garson as Rose and Humphrey Bogart as Charlie. MUSIC IN IRVING CUMMINGS: For days now, the journey of the African Queen has been halted. Across the breadth of the river -- like a towering, living wall -- is a jungle of grass and reeds, an endless morass through which a thousand different channels twist and turn. And, somewhere among them, Rose and Charlie are hopelessly lost. MUSIC OUT SLOSHING WATER ROSE: Charlie, please. Let me pole for a while. ALLNUT: Aw, aw, it's no use, Rosie. All the channels we've lost, all the squirming and turning we've done -- this river's crazy. (loses it) Crazy as I am! ROSE: Oh, Charlie! ALLNUT (calms down) Sorry, old girl. Well, the only thing that will put the roses back in our cheeks is to get out of these reeds. I'll go over the side again. You pole, Rosie, and I'll push. ALLNUT JUMPS IN WATER ALLNUT: Just keep her straight if you can, Rosie. Head her through the grass. ROSE (straining): There must be a main channel, mustn't there? It just - it just can't disappear. ALLNUT: I'm sick of talkin' about it, Rosie. Or searching for it or even-- ROSE (gasps): Charlie! Ah! Leeches! Blood-suckers! Ahh, you're covered with them! ALLNUT (shivering horribly throughout): Oooh! My legs, Rosie! My arms! Oooh, the little beggars! Pull 'em off me! Rosie, help me! ROSE: Oh, yes! ALLNUT: No, no, don't touch 'em, don't! Salt, Rosie! ROSE: Yes. ALLNUT: You pull 'em off but their heads stay in! Poison the blood! Get the salt. ROSE: Yes, dear! Yes! POURING SALT ALLNUT: Pour it over me! Pour the salt over me! ROSE: I am, Charlie, I am! ALLNUT: They can't stand the salt. See, Rosie? Look, they're-they're dropping off. ROSE: Oh, my poor Charlie! ALLNUT: If there's anything in the world I hate, it's leeches. Oooh, the filthy little devils. ROSE: You're bleeding. ALLNUT (finally stops shivering): Oh, it - it ain't nothing. The salt'll kill the poison. Well... here I go. ROSE: Charlie, no. You're not going over again. No, no. ALLNUT JUMPS IN WATER ALLNUT: Take the pole, Rosie. We'll try again. MUSICAL BRIDGE SLOSHING WATER ALLNUT: Rosie? You still awake, Rosie? ROSE: I'm here, dear. ALLNUT: I'm awful cold, Rosie. Hot and then... cold. Chills and fever. Fine - fine specimen of a man I am, ain't I? ROSE: You're the bravest man that ever lived. You're just overdue, that's all. Try to sleep. And when you wake up, we'll be on our way again. ALLNUT: On our way. Even if we had all our strength, we'd never get the boat off this mud. We're finished, Rosie. ROSE: I know it. MUSIC IN ALLNUT: But I'm - I'm not one bit sorry I came. What I mean is, it was worth it. MUSIC UP AND DOWN ROSE (prays): Dear Lord, we've come to the end of our journey. I pray for you to be merciful. Judge us not for our weakness but for our love. And open the doors of Heaven for Charlie and me. MUSIC UP AND OUT WIND AND THUNDER AND RAIN MUSICAL BRIDGE SLOSHING WATER ALLNUT: Rosie? Rosie, it's over, Sweetheart. ROSE: It is? ALLNUT: The storm's over. Open your eyes, dear, it's daylight. ROSE: Why, I wonder if I dreamed it, Charlie. If it was just a - a nightmare. I saw animals and-and birds, running, screaming-- ALLNUT: Aw, it's nothin' you dreamed, Rosie. I never seen such a storm. ROSE: Charlie, what are you doing? You mustn't work, dear. You're not strong enough yet to-- ALLNUT: Rosie. I ain't doin' anything. Open your eyes and see. I'm just sittin' here next to ya. ROSE: But we're - we're moving. ALLNUT: Moving? Moving? Rosie, look! ROSE: Charlie! Where are we?! ALLNUT: Rosie, dear! We're on the lake! ROSE (gasps and starts to cry with joy) ALLNUT: Aw, the rain did it! It filled the channels! Look, the rain and the wind! Just lifted the old Queen up and carried her over the mud. We've cleared the weeds, Rosie! Look back there! We couldn't've been a hundred yards from it last night when we give up hope! Oh, Rosie, Rosie! ROSE: Oh, let's try and build a fire if we can -- and get the engine started -- and go right out to the middle away from these reeds where we can - where we can breathe again. ALLNUT: Sure, Sweetheart, sure. We'll be out o' here in a jiffy! MUSICAL BRIDGE BOAT ENGINE ROSE: Oh, this air! Oh, Charlie, it's wonderful! ALLNUT: Wait'll this mist clears away. You see? The lake's as big as an ocean. And we're on it, Rosie! ROSE: Oh, just to breathe again! ALLNUT: Yes, it's like - like -- I know you don't approve -- but it's like a shot o' gin! Makes your blood race and your spirits soar! ROSE: Oh, I'm sorry I poured out all that gin, Charlie. ALLNUT: Aw, forget it, Rosie. And just to show you there's no hard feelings, I'll make ya another cup o'-- ROSE: Wh--? Why, Charlie! ALLNUT: Rosie! There, to starboard! That's the Imperial German Navy! That's the Louisa! ROSE: She's coming towards us, Charlie. ALLNUT: We gotta make a run for it. Back to the weeds. Take her around while I stoke the boiler. MUSICAL BRIDGE ROSE: Yesterday, those weeds were our death -- and, Charlie, today they're our salvation. Oh, I was so sure they'd seen us. ALLNUT: Look at the size of her, Rosie. See her guns? ROSE: Why did they stop at that little island, Charlie? ALLNUT: Oh, likely it's just routine or maybe just checkin' what the storm tore up. They'll be back again. You know how them Germans are. ROSE: Methodical, yes. ALLNUT: That's them, all right. They lays down systems and they stick to them. Mondays, they're one place. Tuesday, someplace else. And Wednesday, they'll be back here. ROSE (gasps) ALLNUT: Oh? Yeah, I know what you're thinkin', Rosie. Your thinkin' of the next time the Louisa comes back here, aren't ya, old girl? ROSE: How long will it take, Charlie, to get the torpedoes ready? ALLNUT: Depends on the detonators. Well, I - I gotta rig up somethin'. We'll manage it, Rosie, we'll manage it. MUSICAL BRIDGE TOOL DROPS ALLNUT: Well, there they are, Rosie. Them's the detonators. ROSE: Oh, Charlie, you're wonderful. ALLNUT: And what's more, I think they'll work. ROSE: Now, what about the cylinders? ALLNUT: Well, with you helpin', I'll lash 'em on each side of our bow. Only we can't set the detonators on 'em till we're ready to set out. You see, they're kind o' tricky, Rosie. ROSE: We'd be working at night, Charlie. Can you do it in the dark? ALLNUT: If that's the case, I'll have to. ROSE: And you're - you're sure they'll come back with the Louisa? ALLNUT: Well, lemme see -- figurin' both her speed and the size of this lake, my guess is she'll be back here tomorrow afternoon. And when she comes, we'll be ready. ROSE: Tomorrow afternoon. Charlie, let's make the Queen as clean as we can. Let's scrub her decks and polish her brass. ALLNUT (laughs) She ought to look her best, huh? Representin', as she does, the Royal Navy! I think I even got a flag around somewhere. ROSE (delighted): Charlie! ALLNUT: Why, we'll sail out of these reeds proud as a dreadnought. (beat) Rosie? ROSE: Yes, Charlie? ALLNUT: Uh... now, there ain't no use of both of us doin' it. As you can plainly see, it's a - it's a one man job. ROSE: Oh, you couldn't be more right, Charlie, dear. ALLNUT: Now, Rosie, I'm glad you agree. When the time comes, I'll put you off here on the east shore. You'll wait for me while I attend to the Louisa. ROSE: Oh, certainly not. You're the one to put ashore. This whole thing was my idea, wasn't it? I'm the logical one to carry it out. ALLNUT: Rosie, I'm surprised at you. You're a very sensible woman, as a rule. Why, with two torpedoes hangin' off our bow, she'll steer entirely different, let alone bein' half swamped. ROSE: Didn't I steer us down the rapids? ALLNUT: But suppose she broke down out there, wouldn't you look foolish? With me, she knows who her boss is, you bet that old engine does. ROSE: Well, I suppose you're right. ALLNUT: Now, that's settled. ROSE: Oh, no, no. I only meant it may be necessary for you to come along. ALLNUT: Come along?! Oh, no, you don't! You'll wait for me on the east shore. ROSE: Who do you think you are, ordering me about?! ALLNUT: I'm the captain, that's who! An' I ain't takin' you along. You'd only be in my way. ROSE: I suppose I was in your way going down the rapids. Then what you said to me back there on the river was a lie! How you never could have done it alone! How you'd lost your - lost your heart and everything and-- Oh! You liar! (calms down suddenly) Oh, Charlie! Charlie, we're - we're having our first quarrel. ALLNUT: Oh, Rosie. It's just that I - I can't bear the thought of you, well, supposing that anything should happen -- not that anything will. ROSE: Don't you understand, Charlie? I - I wouldn't want to go on without you. ALLNUT: Rosie. All right. It'll be you at the tiller and me at the engine, just like it was from the start. ROSE: I knew you'd see it, Charlie, dear. Thank you. MUSICAL UP AND DOWN ALLNUT: There she is, Rosie! That's the Louisa, right on time! ROSE: There's no smoke from her stacks. ALLNUT: It's the wind, Sweetheart, it's blowin' the smoke fast as it comes out. ROSE: I don't like this wind. ALLNUT: Me, neither, Rosie. It's gonna storm. ROSE: But if it storms tonight, there'll be less chance of them seeing us. Maybe a storm would be a blessing, Charlie. ALLNUT: That's the way to look at it, Rosie ol' girl. Now, let's you and me get started on them detonators. MUSIC UP AND OUT BOAT ENGINE STORM IN PROGRESS ALLNUT: We're not makin' any time, Rosie! Somethin's wrong! ROSE: I can't steer, Charlie! ALLNUT: We're takin' too much water in the bow! It's them torpedoes, weighin' us down! ROSE: Charlie, look! Those waves! ALLNUT: Hang on, Rosie! WAVE HITS THE BOAT ROSE: Charlie, the torpedoes! They've torn loose! ALLNUT: Worse than that, we're sinking, Rosie! ROSE: The tiller's gone! Something broke! ALLNUT: Everything's broke! Grab the preserver, Rosie, and then jump! ROSE: Charlie! Charlie! ALLNUT: Rosie! MUSICAL BRIDGE SHIP ENGINE - MEN'S VOICES CAPTAIN (with a German accent): You! I will remind you just once more, you are a prisoner aboard the steamship Louisa of His Imperial Majesty's Navy. ALLNUT (listlessly): Yeah. Yeah, I know. CAPTAIN: You will tell us the truth! Now, what is your nationality? French? Belgian? British? ALLNUT: Yeah. CAPTAIN: Yes, what? ALLNUT: Uh, uh, British. CAPTAIN: What are you doing in these waters? ALLNUT: Uh, uh, fishing. Yeah. Fishin' off the island. CAPTAIN: You're a spy for the British! Well, do you deny this? ALLNUT: I - I told you I was fishin'. CAPTAIN (speaks German to men who answer in kind; then, to Allnut): Obviously, you're lying. But it does not matter. This court will sentence you to be hanged. (another exchange in German) CAPTAIN (to Allnut): You! There was a woman with you. ALLNUT (suddenly comes to life): Rosie! CAPTAIN: You will answer my question! (to a German) Bringen sie frau herr. ALLNUT: Rosie! ROSE: Charlie! CAPTAIN: Who is this woman? ALLNUT (listless again): I don't know. CAPTAIN: You called her by name! ALLNUT: I thought she was somebody else. ROSE: Charlie! CAPTAIN: Who are you? ROSE (with great dignity): Miss Rose Sayre. CAPTAIN: What were you doing on the lake? ALLNUT: I ain't told 'em nothin', Rosie! CAPTAIN (to Allnut): Silence! (to Rose) What were you doing on the lake? ROSE: We were boating. CAPTAIN: As your fellow prisoner is about to learn, the penalty for lying to us is death! ROSE: Charlie! (to the Captain) Very well, then. We came here to-- ALLNUT: Rosie, no! ROSE: To sink this ship. Charlie, dear, at least, let's have the pleasure of telling them. ALLNUT: Now, don't you believe her, Your Honor, she's tetched, you know -- fever. CAPTAIN (skeptical throughout): And just how, Fraulein, did you propose to sink the [?] Louisa? ROSE: Why, with torpedoes. CAPTAIN: Torpedoes? ROSE: Yes. Mr. Allnut made them. CAPTAIN: Made them? Amazing. ROSE: Charlie, tell them how you made the torpedoes. ALLNUT (chuckles): Well, ya - well, you see, what I did was, I-I took the heads off, uh, two cylinders of oxygen, I filled them up with live explosives -- about two hundred weight -- now, that was easy enough but it was the detonators took some doing -- and you know what I used? Cartridges and nails and blocks of soft wood. (Germans murmur to themselves) CAPTAIN: Go on, please. ALLNUT (chuckles): Then I took the two cylinders and hung them port and starboard on the bow of the African Queen so's when we rammed ya, bloof! CAPTAIN: And where is the African Queen? ROSE: She sank last night in the storm. CAPTAIN: Too bad. I should like to have seen those torpedoes. ROSE: Perhaps you will. They'll still be floating around somewhere nearby. ALLNUT: Yeah, they could still sink this ship, Rosie. CAPTAIN: Enough of this torpedo nonsense. (speaks German to the men who respond in kind; then, to Rose and Allnut) You have five minutes in which to reconsider. Tell us the truth ... or you will both be hanged. ROSE: We've told the truth. Haven't we, Charlie? ALLNUT: Yeah and we, uh, we got a favor to ask, Your Honor. CAPTAIN: Well? ALLNUT: Well, uh, uh, you're the captain, I guess. CAPTAIN: I am. ALLNUT: Well, um, uh, then you could marry us. ROSE: Oh, Charlie! What a lovely idea. CAPTAIN: What kind of craziness is this? ALLNUT: Come on, Captain, it won't even take five minutes. And it'll mean such a lot to the lady. CAPTAIN: If you wish it, absolutely. Very well. What are the names again? ALLNUT: Charles. ROSE: Rosie, uh, Rose. (German exchange, the Captain asks for a Bible) ROSE: Charlie, look! A Bible. CAPTAIN: Look at me, both of you. Do you, Charles, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? ALLNUT: Yes, sir! CAPTAIN: Do you, Rose, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? ROSE: I do. CAPTAIN: Then by the authority vested in me by His Imperial Majesty, Kaiser Wilhelm the Second, I pronounce you are man and wife. Proceed with the execution. OFFICER: Ab mit den beiden Gefangenen nach Achtern und los mit der Hinrichtung! THE MEN: (mutter) ROSE (lovingly): Charlie! My husband! ALLNUT (just as lovingly): Rosie, Rosie! CAPTAIN: You will follow me, now! At once! EXPLOSION - MEN YELLING ROSE: Charlie! The torpedoes! A SECOND EXPLOSION ALLNUT: Rosie! We've done it! We've done it! BRIEF MUSICAL BRIDGE SLOSHING WATER - MEN HOLLERING ALLNUT: You all right, Mrs. Allnut? Can you keep swimming? ROSE: Oh, yes! I never felt so good in my life! We blew her up, Charlie! ALLNUT (laughs): I guess we did, Rosie! ROSE: The wreckage of the African Queen - that did it! They rammed the Louisa right into it! How do you feel, Mr. Allnut? ALLNUT: Pretty good for an old married man! ROSE: I'm all turned around, Charlie! Which way is the east shore? ALLNUT: The way we're swimming, old girl. (sings) There was a bold fisherman, set sail from off Pimlico, to catch the ... ROSE AND ALLNUT (singing together): ... bold figgy and the gay mack-a-rool ... MUSIC IN AND OUT - APPLAUSE KEN CARPENTER: In a moment, our stars will return. FRANCES SCULLY: Are you blaming stocking runs on the stockings themselves? Well, perhaps you're making a big mistake. KEN CARPENTER: Yes. Look, the blame may belong to the way you wash stockings. You may be wearing out your stockings in the wash. Harsh washings with strong wash day products were never meant for delicate nylons. FRANCES SCULLY: Cobweb sheer nylons need delicate care -- really special care. Always wash your stockings gently in pure Lux Flakes. Nylons thrive on gentle washings in safe Lux lather. You see, Lux Flakes melt completely into a silky cleansing foam and each gentle washing in Lux has a special action that keeps nylon thread strong as new, washing after washing, wearing after wearing. Lux Flakes care doubles stocking wear. That's like getting an extra pair of nylons with every pair you buy. Start giving your stockings safe Lux Flakes care tomorrow. Ninety-five per cent of stocking manufacturers recommend Lux. Lux Flakes are guaranteed by Lever Brothers Company. KEN CARPENTER: Now, here's Mr. Cummings with our stars. IRVING CUMMINGS: And here they are, coming forward for a well-deserved curtain call, Humphrey Bogart and Greer Garson. APPLAUSE IRVING CUMMINGS: We certainly suffered every step of the way with you two on the trip of the African Queen. HUMPHREY BOGART: Irving, I, uh, I remember another safari full of hardships that you and I made, uh, quite a long time ago. GREER GARSON: A safari, Bogie? What? To Africa? HUMPHREY BOGART: Well, no. To Palm Springs. LAUGHTER IRVING CUMMINGS: It was Bogie's first picture in Hollywood and I was the director. We went on location to Palm Springs and it was a hundred and twenty in the shade. HUMPHREY BOGART: Only there was no shade. LAUGHTER IRVING CUMMINGS: Well, you should have seen Bogie in his first love scenes. HUMPHREY BOGART (chuckles): I - I couldn't see the girl for the water dripping in my eyes. LAUGHTER GREER GARSON: But it doesn't sound as if you were having exactly a circus. HUMPHREY BOGART (struggling with his line): No, but, er, er, no, but my latest picture is, er, just happens to be "Battle Circus" co-starring June Allyson -- I'll get into it -- See, I've been, uh-- LAUGHTER HUMPHREY BOGART: I've been working at your home studio, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. GREER GARSON: Well, I congratulate you, Bogie. You know we make only the very best pictures over there. IRVING CUMMINGS: We mentioned one on the Lux Radio Theater recently -- "Plymouth Adventure" starring Spencer Tracy, Gene Tierney, Van Johnson and Leo Genn. HUMPHREY BOGART: I, uh, I don't think Greer would like that. It's all about the Pilgrims leaving England and sailing for America on the Mayflower. GREER GARSON: Oh, we English think it's a great idea. We've been doing it ever since. LAUGHTER IRVING CUMMINGS: We're always glad to welcome our English cousins -- particularly you lovely actresses with those beautiful complexions. GREER GARSON: Oh, thank you. We're glad to adopt your way of caring for those complexions -- with Lux Soap. I think it's wonderful. IRVING CUMMINGS: And you'll both think next week's show is wonderful. It's such a great story that it's been made into a picture five different times. And we're going to bring you the inspiring Twentieth Century-Fox version of Victor Hugo's immortal classic "Les Miserables" -- and from the original cast we have the lovely Debra Paget and that fine actor Robert Newton. And in the unforgettable role of Jean Valjean, another great Academy Award winner, Ronald Colman. CROWD OOHS AND AHHS HUMPHREY BOGART: That'll be a swell show! Good night, Irving. APPLAUSE GREER GARSON: Good night. IRVING CUMMINGS: Good night and happy holidays. (pause) Now here's Ken Carpenter with news about mouth health. Ken? KEN CARPENTER: Millions of Americans have found that Chlorident Toothpaste does more to give you a clean fresh mouth than any other dentifrice. And now here's proof that Chlorident gives you a healthy mouth, too. Wholly in the interest of child health, Chlorident was tested under the supervision of dentists at Father Flanagan's famous Boys' Town in Nebraska. In this research, Chlorident and a fine white toothpaste were used regularly by different groups of youngsters. And, in just sixty days, dentists found that three-fourths of the boys using Chlorident showed dramatic improvement in mouth health. Chlorident was actually proved twice as effective as the fine white toothpaste for quickly reducing acute gingivitis, a common mouth ailment. And that's another reason why Lever Brothers Company unconditionally guarantees that Chlorident does more for you than any other toothpaste -- white, ammoniated, or chlorophyll -- to give you a clean, fresh, healthy mouth. Make sure you get the toothpaste used in this Boys' Town research. Ask for Chlorident! MUSIC: Lux Theme IRVING CUMMINGS: Lever Brothers Company, the makers of Lux Toilet Soap, invite you to be with us again next Monday evening when the Lux Radio Theater presents Ronald Colman, Debra Paget and Robert Newton in "Les Miserables." This is Irving Cummings saying good night to you from Hollywood. APPLAUSE KEN CARPENTER: Heard in our cast tonight were John Dodsworth as the Reverend and Harald Dryenforth and Hans Conried as the German officers. Our radio play was adapted by S. H. Barnet and our music was directed by Rudy Schraeger. MUSIC OUT DRUMS IN ANNOUNCER WITH RHYTHM: Trust Silverdust! Trust Silverdust! Trust Silverdust to give you more for your money! With a goodwill offer that's really a honey! Trust Silverdust! DRUMS OUT ANNOUNCER: New, improved Silverdust -- wonder bubble suds for laundry and dishes -- now makes you this amazing goodwill offer. Inside every large-size Silverdust, you get as an extra: a genuine Kennan face cloth. It's big! Soft! Fluffy! Lovely pastel colors! Worth up to fifteen cents! Remember, in large- size Silverdust, you get this genuine Kennan face cloth as an extra! Try Silverdust! See how it safely digs out dirt -- gets clothes cleaner -- speeds dishwashing -- kind to your hands! Yes, Silverdust! A great washing product, with a Kennan face cloth inside, gives you more for your money than any other washing product! That's guaranteed! DRUMS IN ANNOUNCER WITH RHYTHM: Get the large-size box of Silverdust With the big Kennan face cloth -- as an extra -- today! DRUMS OUT MUSIC: Lux Theme KEN CARPENTER: Lever Brothers Company unconditionally guarantees the quality and performance of Lux Toilet Soap, Lux Flakes, Chlorident Toothpaste and Silverdust -- or your money refunded. This is your announcer, Ken Carpenter, reminding you to join us again next Monday night to hear "Les Miserables" starring Ronald Colman, Debra Paget and Robert Newton. APPLAUSE KEN CARPENTER: This is the CBS radio network. APPLAUSE AND MUSIC OUT ______________________________________ Originally broadcast: 15 December 1952